Sunday, July 30, 2006
Status quo
It's funny how I feel when we're together. It's always bitter, never sweet, yet so memorable. I guess charm matures like wine - It just gets more mellow as the clock ticks and time goes by.I'll probably never make the first move, or any at all to begin with. Perhaps because we know each other too well, to the point that all negative externalities just seem to overwhelm the better side of you. And thinking about all those negativity does make me very skeptical. Considering all the areas we don't click just turn the tables around for those aspects that work out. Being the safe player I am, I'm reluctant to risk a healthy friendship we share now. And I'd gladly indulge in short flings if need to, just so as I can bury my need for passion, for someone to love. Perhaps.
I really have no idea what I feel, and I don't wanna spend all my energies just so that I can come to a conclusion. Perhaps I'm afraid to come to terms with myself, but as it is, things remain, and I'm happy the way they are.
And I suddenly felt like listening to Bryan Adam's Everything I do I do it for you.
How uncanny. How un-ivanly sappy can things get haha.
posted@11:13 PM
Friday, July 28, 2006
I've waited two years for this day
I thought I’d bring the AGM to a more personal level, because I felt sharing my personal experience from a perspective of a non-default elite of the team would raise the occasion, or event or whatever the hell to a different slant and angle.
The exit from CJC Canoeing left not ripples, but waves. The repercussions of an initial decision to join this team were to be tremendous in my life of the future, and more importantly, right at this very instant as I’m addressing every one of you here who’re sitting down in front of me. The transformation, I believe, to many of you here, are visible. Weighing a whopping 75kilos when I first entered Canoeing, I was a typical loser, no where close to an orthodox perception of this highly demanding sport. I couldn’t keep up when the team ran; I dreaded water trainings because I capsized like it was going out of style. The list goes on. But that isn’t the point that you should be going home with today.
The concept of Fate is something I believe many sitting here today embrace. And at the initial times, I often lamented at this unfairness that arose fundamentally out of this inherent knowledge the relative physical fitness inferiority I possessed. But my life changed, because of the burning desire to WANT TO CHANGE CIRCUMSTANCES. I thought that, even if my Fate was against the odds and that even at the end of the day I know I am predestined to not make it for finals, or maybe not even through Heats of Nationals, I was not going to give up without coming close to smelling a victory. I told myself that I was going to come as close to succeeding even if I was doomed to fail. Such was the attitude and mindset of a fighter that Canoeing has instilled and even drilled deep inside me. Here.
What does it mean to be a Canoeist? Or to be more exact, how much does it mean to be a CJC Canoeist? I fondly remember my defining moment came about when I received my team jersey and jacket. It was like receiving a source of pride although my singlet and jacket were more or less thrown to me as it they didn’t matter to me. It was the proud sense of identity I embraced at the moment, and gladly cherish now. A CJC Canoeist is a disciplined fighter that stands on a moral high ground backed by a strong sense of integrity, commitment, tight sense of focus. We fight because we know we can do it, and more importantly, because we do it. These are the core values that you should be aiming to enrich yourself with, not petty physical desires like getting a tan, bigger brawns and subsequently smaller brains. When you leave Canoeing like we do, all of those will fade away in no time. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It is the inner spark that never fails to extinguish – the flame that will come a long way in lighting the path before you.
My friends, you will be equipped with a set of tools that draws it fundamentals on mental toughness; and this will bring you far not only in Canoeing, but also in life. There are periods where you will be faced with shrouds of confusion and you lose your sense of direction. It is no use to believe in yourself – The reward comes in value-pack when you look back in hindsight and see that you do not procrastinate. Adopt an attitude whereby you’re never satisfied with yourself, because you only aim to go higher. No less would do justice.
Your path is paved clearly in front of you – Your aims are to firstly get your grades fixed, and only then can you focus on Canoeing. The reality of situation is such that, you have no so called “life” if you want to stay on in Canoeing. Then again, what is a “life”? This is not being antisocial. You can go out once in a while, but do not make it a tradition. The lack of antithesis in this crucial element known as “balance” will be the bane of your Canoeing career. I’m proud to say that I’ve emerged out of this Mid Years with a B, C and D. You must be clear of what you’re fighting for, and never say die or quit halfway at what you’ve set your mind on. Even if you want to call it quits…
Quit the post-training outings and dinners, and focus only on your work and Canoeing. People who lament at their circumstances are not fighters, they’re losers. And the category of people who shift the blame to Canoeing when all goes unwell deserve to be killed, exterminated, and killed again.
Quit being a nice guy. You’ve gotta be an angry 17-yr old to bring yourself to greater heights. I used to be angsty inside because I couldn’t do 10 pullups, because I came in last, because I was slow, and many other bullshit. And that anger fuelled my desire to improve and improve, and improve. During my December holidays, I trained everyday for 2 sessions privately. This isn’t about being selfish, this is about responsibility and living up to the standards of others. Mr Hoi has been most kind in encouraging me to stay on and fight on. Such opportunities do not come by easily. Seize the day, and fight hard. Wearing the jersey carries just about that much responsibility if you want to deserve it.
Stepping beyond the boundaries focusing on the individual, we land on team dynamics. It’s CJC Canoeing TEAM we’re talking about here, not CJC Canoeing ME, as I fondly recall Alicia’s words. The tapestry we’ve woven here has been tinged with sweat, blood and tears – It’s a lot of hard work, and sometimes, jackasses amidst us just fail to appreciate this synthesis that means the world to me. There is a distinct, yet subtle difference between the power hungry, and the leader. As an individual, you should strive to carve out an identity for the team, not destroy it. Today is not only an annual election campaign of some sorts, it’s a chance for you to evaluate your position, and decide if you want to stay on. If you want to, make sure you fight all the way, and make things happen.
It was a mere 15 minutes or so, but these were the 15 minutes of my life. I had so much to say, yet so little time to spare. But basically, the jist of it is presented to you above.
I actually failed to control my emotions during my speech, and broke down half way. It wasn't exactly the kind of tears that fell because of sadness or disappointment and the like, but rather, it was tears of gratitude for Mr Hoi's faith in me.
Such are the priceless (cliche but true) turning points of your life you gain from Canoeing. To compound on what our Principal aka Brother Paul said, the Canoeing experience is worthy of retaining simply because its values and lessons are universal. Through the upheavals you experience in this gruelling sport, you learn new lessons in life that nothing else can match up to. And these are the lessons you can easily translate into other aspects of life, such as your school work. I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes things are just best kept the orthodox manner.
Digress a bit. This junior of mine caught my eye for some time ago in the midst of a joke my friends and I were sustaining. It started off with this unrelentless search for potential hotties around our life, but ended up somewhat impactful. Well all I have to say's that she's mesmerised me, but the story ends about here.
I think for the benefit of another innocent individual and mankind, I should quit getting into relationships. I've never knew how to truly love a girl as a lover, and don't think I will soon. Sad, but true. Facts hurt most of the time, just like how Alicia was being so terribly fierce yet truly pragmatic and down to earth at the same time today.
I still vividly remember your double eyelids were beautifully accentuated by those terribly beautiful specs of yours (in my opinion anyhow). Add your hair to the list, and you work out so well for me like a perfect mathematical equation.
How nice if we could be good friends. Till then yellow earrings.
posted@9:54 PM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
A bad note
There are moments in life I wished I could edit.My relationship with my Literature teacher, Mrs Sng might have attained a new high ground this year, but I feel that it still isn't enough. These days, she makes me feel really stupid and bad about myself. Unknowingly, she wields tremendous amount of influence on me. Every negative remark she passes about me really slaps me right across the face, and the feeling just isn't exactly pleasant.
I guess I've started on a really bad note with her; frequently sleeping in class, not doing assignments and the like. To compound it all, she thinks I'm a huge hypocrite. Paradoxically, being genuine is one value I prize greatly. So in a way or another, I feel really insulted by her.
The fundamental reason why I feel this way is because I feel I'm underrated - Like indie bands. She might think I'm intelligent and all but being 'intelligent' just isn't enough for me. And today she just had to smack me right across the face by telling me, "Write so much yet cannot score". All of these come in the light of my failure to get into Literature enrichment despite getting similar grades to others in my class who did get into it. I feel it's so unfair, and I can't help but think that I'm just darn useless and have no potential nor flair for Literature; something that never crossed my mind. It's the things she say you see.
"Enrichment is based on Mid-year results and teacher's assessment of your potential."
Well, I guess she must be quite shallow to take my mindless comments seriously. You know the whole fiasco has had such a great impact on me that now I'm reconsidering taking Literature in University. My initial (and stable) plan was to take up Literature in University and teach in a JC hopefully. But right now, those dreams are dashed, destroyed in a mere split second.
But like I've said elsewhere, I'm a fighter, and will not succumb to little setbacks in life. But before I do that, I'd have to recover from it right? And that's exactly something I'm not coping well with. Oh well...
posted@11:54 PM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Life of a bourgeois
You know sometimes, I motivate myself to pick up my books only because I wish to live a life of luxury. A life of a bourgeois.I love clothes, good food and women too much, and these seemingly unattainable objects of desires make the battle worth fighting for. What an irony. Unattainable, yet worth fighting for.
You see, I've been thinking about it through during one of those "Why-am-I-working-so-hard-for?" days (one of which happened to be today when I was sipping my drink at Coffee & Toast, which sucks by the way.) It's like, is there any point at all in attaining these 'worldly desires'? What if I work my ass off, only find myself in a situation whereby the achievement of all the above mentioned objectives reap nothing but emptiness?
It all happened like that. These days, after I broke up with Sonia about 3 weeks ago, I found myself with ample time to do whatever I please. And tagging along came a lot more money, since there was no need for fancy dining and stupid mindless string of Hollywood blockbusters which literally, give blockheads a blast. So here goes retail galore, not therapy, because I was never devastated to begin with. A little upset about the development of our post-breakup, especially on her side, but never devastated. Not worth the expense you see, and note, I say it without a single tinge of jealousy.
So far I've bought myself a new pair of jeans (woohoo finally), 2 new tops that go well with it, and today, a new pair of shoes. While contemplating on my shoes, I was thinking over, will my endless shopping rampage ever satisfy me? I guess maybe it will. Afterall, I love looking good. Because my philosophy is as such that, mankind are intrinsically, and superficially too ugly. Much less the not-so-inclined-to-hunk looking ones like me right? Hence, people (especially me), need nice, not necessary fancy clothes to underscore ourselves as more unique, and colorful characters. Besides, I think the way you dress shapes your personality more or less. And I'm proud of the identity I've created for myself.
But looking back in hindsight, all these mindless attainment of luxries never did satisfy my inherent need for something more important. It's obviously not a girlfriend, as experiences fruitfully explain. Neither is it good looks or whatever shit. It's just an emptiness I find hard to explain. Some sort of void space inside me. I'm not sad or anything, just lacking a bit of direction that I really rely on to move one.
On the topic of reliance, I'm so thankful for my grandparents for taking care of me when I was ill. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but my parents are seriously too concerned about making money to care about me. Imagine having to come home from school on a day you're down with a 38.9 fever only to find out that your mum cooked Assam Sotong and Fishhead for you to eat. Like seriously what the fuck with a capital W, T and F. Being sick for a fucking week really made me think that this time's bonkers for me. And I was hoping I would die on Friday morning during assembly. While I was sitting down on the bench enjoying the skies that never fail to awe me, plugging into my iPod listening to a suicide victim.
Ahhh Buckley...
posted@4:40 PM
Monday, July 17, 2006
Too good to be true.
I think it's time to give relationships a miss, and get on with what's more productive in life. I'm officially single since the week before the last, and I've been getting on fine. Nothing much as changed, at least negatively. On the brighter side, I have way much more time which I realised I should have grappled with in a more efficient manner.I always fail to understand why people can get so devastated over failed relationships. Perhaps its an innate expectation, a subconscious behaviour that just summons itself from the depths of your mind, manifesting itself in the so called 'sadness', 'depression' or perhaps 'despair'. I do not deny that the first few moments of knowledge that you're single again can be pretty awe-shocking. I just find myself lying on my bed, shedding a tear or two of a failed relationship. All the what-ifs bombard you like plague - What if I had done this, what if we had been this way. The list goes on. But unfortunately or fortunately, I don't feel that sort of misery that most do. Perhaps it didn't really bother me, perhaps it was just second-nature to feel numb to such incidents having been hurt over and over again. Perhaps I didn't knew how to love. But what's definite was that I saw the thing coming.
The concept of love is a perplexing subject. I guess at the end of the day, both parties just fail to agree on this fundamental concept. While I fuelled the relationships with commitments, responsibilities and the occasional romance, she was reminiscing of the past, of the beautiful memories that just failed to resurface. More importantly, she had the expectation of fuelling it with passion - something that, in my opinion, never lasts.
I'm not totally heartless in this sense. I still miss her very much, and every now and then I find myself looking at our pictures together. All the laughters, chatters and teasings are still vividly revolving at the back of my brain. But at the end of the day, they remain as memories, something I'd remember fondly as one of the high points of my life. Till then, the page is flipped over, and a chapter moves on. So much for love.
posted@7:39 PM
Thursday, July 13, 2006
It's the end of the road.
Yesterday has got to be the most memorable and heart-wrenching day of my life.My canoeing career has potentially ended yesterday with a knock-out in semi-finals. One and a half years of training gone in a flicker of the light - a Mere two minutes and twenty seconds. Maybe I’m just trying to console myself, but I feel now that at the end of the day, winning is not all that matters. The journey matters more. It’s been beautiful.
My journey started last year in March 2005, where I was a fat, white boy who couldn’t even run for 2 minutes without panting like a boar escaping his predator. Weighing 75 kilos, pull-ups were a total no-no for me. I was a typical loser, and still was when I made up my mind to join Canoeing. Like most of my teammates, I wasn’t one of those hard-core insane fellows who joined Canoeing because I know I’m gonna be able to channel all that fire into it, but more because I just wanted to be fit. More importantly, I wanted something challenging. I was sick of wallowing at the plight of my physical and mental degradation, and decided to get a life, and do something about it. God knows this would be a bloody reality check.
Training was insane, bloody insane. Water trainings were hell for me because I felt darn uncomfortable in a narrow Kayak which I could barely move at free reign. So many times, I just felt like turning my Kayak around and heading back shore. And many times, I headed back to the water again. I did do so for a few times, but every time I did, my time spent on shore was one of bleakness, or regret and shame. I felt stupid. More importantly, I felt that I could have completed the entire training programme. I knew that there was this innate spark in me that wanted to just get a life and move on. To be frank, I think I was the only one who looked forward to land training more than water trainings, just because I was afraid to capsize, to be in water, and be challenged.
The whole fiasco just accumulated, and I swear to God, many times I felt like throwing the towel in the bucket and calling it quits. Thankfully, I had a few peers to lie onto. And these people would eventually formed the bulwark of teammates that I could count on every time I needed a pat on the back. I firmly believe that time, and even now, that everyone thought I was going to quit. But trust me people, I’m one of the many whom most thought would quit by the end of a month or two. I didn’t quit, and those “powerhouses” slowly faded off one by one, allowing people like me to catch up and prove our worth. Within my class, out of the total 3 canoeists, I was the only sole survivor left in it. And I’m proud to have achieved that status.
The point here is, don’t be too quick to pass a judgment on yourself. You will never ever know what happens at the end of the road, and if you devoid yourself of the opportunity that’s presented to you, you will only live in regret. Or maybe in self-denial, because you don’t know what you’ve missed. To me, Studies is an utter bullshit excuse to quit canoeing. It’s the determination that counts, not the externalities. Without a doubt, Canoeing is physically and mentally draining. But it isn’t unreasonably tough to the point that nothing is possible post-training sessions. And I think I’ve proven this point pretty decently, scoring B B C D for Mid-Years.
At the end of the road, I can only look back and smile at myself, feeling so proud of being a CJC Canoeist, and a committed one. Being able to experience all that it has got to offer has been a blast. And a very good one indeed. What you guys taught me, I’ll never forget. Thank you Cher, Mr Hoi and all my awesome teammates for everything. Thank you so damn much.
posted@9:22 PM
